sometimes im here and sometimes im not. my mind is numb and i feel like the whole world in falling down around me. this feeling is terrible but then i find ways to overcome them. a certain boy is the only one who can help me overcome this condition. apart from professional help but that can be different to this. different advice to deal with this problem i often get which takes over my mind. i need this to go away. i try to deal but it comes back every now and then. why? i couldnt tell you because I too don’t really know..

thoughts come into my head which i cant get rid of for some time then it goes away. He helps me. Helps me get through this. helps me look at the world a different way. i thank him for this, thank him a lot. I did once used to feel everything. Alive and well within the mind, but this year has really hurt my mind. Just different bullshit which my head makes up and makes me turn different. Different in a sense which equals anger and depression.

I feel guilty in myself because I hate ruining the good times of others without, not on purpose but that’s what i mean it comes on and i cant help it sometimes. When I am with him sometimes i just fall into this stupid downward spiral. It sucks. I need to take control and stop falling into this, bring myself back together and move on within the mind. Not worry or care about the stupid shit that makes me dwell on these issues for days until i am depressed and taking it out on someone else for no reason at all. I deeply apologize to that special boy of mine for sometimes turning into a psycho. a complete mental case of a young twenty year old female. I love him a lot, so much words cannot describe because he is the one that truly knows me for who i am and not matter what state i am in.

i will beat this condition. I will.